Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
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Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?