The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
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Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
the three best gummy flavors, together at last