Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
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I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
every girl is defined by their one lost love. and by that i mean the one fast food item that was discontinued without warning, subsequently ruining their life
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
(2022)
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.