H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
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DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
peep davidson
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Finally! 😈
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff