Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
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The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Whoa 😂
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
me 2 months after i graduated
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
My neck my back my allergy attack
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.