The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
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Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”