Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
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4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
This meal prepping shit is easy
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
told someone i’m as “single as a pringle and as neato as a dorito” then they blocked me immediately
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.