@smashbrown_: Gas prices have me feeling like I'm robbing the gas station. "Just leave, before they change their mind."
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@MikeCanRant: A good way to break up with a girl gently is to curtsy when youre meeting her father instead of shaking his hand.
@SamSykesSwears: "If Bernie doesn't get the nom, I'm voting Trump." "Also, if McDonald's is out of chicken nuggets, I'm going to eat 20 scorpions."
@PortlandiaGirl: There's no point in using a big word, when an infinitesimally diminutive one will do.
@1Bad_Scientist: *at Thanksgiving dinner* Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole. Everyone: *gasp* Me: Just kidding you all are.