I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
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Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.