gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
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Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
Herpes is trending, good job people
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.