gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
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It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Autocorrect changed “I’ll see you in a while” to “I’ll see you in a hole”, and now I’m being questioned by the police.
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
my dad has had enough
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?