Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
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I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
me when I see my crush
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.
Me: You were only at school for two days.
8: You weren’t there.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
I should wash my van
We could use the rain