CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
You Might Also Like
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
I would’ve loved to have been a detective during the era when people’s watches always stopped at the exact second they were murdered. These days it’s all CCTV and social media. Bring back corpse watches.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
me: hole in the wall places are often the best places to eat
mcdonalds manager: [just stares at me as the tow truck pulls my car out of the side of his building]
me: so really i did you guys a favor
Finally!
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.