[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
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“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
Netflix and awkward silence?
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.