@AaronMichael_: Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.
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@theyearofelan: Don't be sad when your exes unfollow you. It just means they'll spend more time manually checking your updates
@brennadine: At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, "This is why we don't talk to strangers on the internet."
@ShitJokes: Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water? If it sinks = girl ant. If it floats = buoyant.
@CooIStepDad: [running from cop] *cop catches me* "Get on the ground or I'll taze ya" *pulls jellyfish from pocket* "Look they were all out of tazers"