Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
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My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
plums roundup
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
13 year old me: why is my mom texting me?
me now: i’m gonna send my mom a pic of this grass cause it’s super green. I think she’ll like it.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
checking out some reviews of my local library
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
Love thy neighbor’s dog
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.