If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
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When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
My Ex Sarah ghosted me. Some experts call this phenomenon, Sarah-normal activity
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
If I had Pokemon, I’d pretend to understand them. They’d go “Bulba bulbaaasaur” and I’d be like “What do u mean Hitler did nothing wrong?”
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
[customs]
“Passport?”
*I lift up my bag & a severed head falls out*
ME: OH NO OH GOD
*still rummaging through bag*
ME: I’ve forgotten it
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
my dad has had enough
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.