@DirtMcTurd: Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say "people like this are out there."
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@mrjohndarby: [inventor of the snooze button] ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let's add something to make them useless
@DancesWithTamis: "Hola! I'm Señor Coconut, children" [cracks head on the pavement. Children scream] "Drink me. Drink me. I'm full of vitamins and minerals"
@Tuna_Lover: I'm 43 yrs old and still buying pot at a mall parking lot. On the flip side, Mom is 70 and still selling it there.
@NervousJr: The same woman who said "I'm your mom not your friend" has sent me 17 Facebook friend requests.