Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
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Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
Beware of the dog..
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
After my third trip to the grocery store to buy ingredients for our ice cream maker it hit me — they sell ice cream at the grocery store.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
They’re on their honeymoon
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”