@DirtMcTurd: Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say "people like this are out there."
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@AntiSemanticShw: I think the hardest part about being a cashier is telling the girl buying 3 pregnancy tests to "Have a nice day"
@miliondollameat: me: wow the stars are beautiful gf: omg babe they really are me: u know who else is beautiful? gf: *blushes* who? :3 me: Harambe
@DaddyJew: Sorry for teaching your kids to yell "STRANGER DANGER" whenever you tell them they can't have something LOL
@AnkCoupleTO: [police lineup] Cop: Do you see the guy who ate your plants? Me: Nope Cop: *waving leaf* Wildebeest step forward? WB: *drooling* Goddamnit