@DirtMcTurd: Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say "people like this are out there."
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@TwoSapphiresBlu: Daughter: Why don't kids at school get my sarcastic humor? Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
@ValeeGrrl: 5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE'RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN'T WE DOING GOOD? Me: [in bed] Yeah. You're doing GREAT.
@ComedicBust: I always take my dates straight to the movies after dinner. That way she doesn't have the chance to ask me why I eat soup with my hands.