Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
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Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
*bites zombie*
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
Made the mistake of ordering chlorine for the pool and researching Kenya so I’m tweeting this from what appears to be a windowed black van.
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.