My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
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There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
the simulation is moving too fast
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.