Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
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I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.