Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
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Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Y’all ready for this
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
Snowboarding in Japan hits differently.
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?