[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
You Might Also Like
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Them: if lemonade has real lemons in it, do you think gatorade has actual gators in it?
Me: *drinking poisonade* oh shit
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees