GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
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Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.