GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
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Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
Finally
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
Breaking news:
Have kids, they said
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.