GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
You Might Also Like
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.