Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
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Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
My circle of trust is a meatball
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
Good cop: be a pal and tell us who did crime
Dad cop: you’re gonna want to be at the airport ten hours before your flight
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Does this dress make me look cat?
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Me: *nude in class* This is all just a dream
Professor: That’s him, officers
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
Unexpected Judgment
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry