GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
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Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
How many glasses of wine equals two servings of fruit?
Asking for a friend.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG