I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
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I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
The answer is funnier than the question
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
Facebook memories be like
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?