GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
You Might Also Like
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
Haha! 😂
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Man goes to a Doctor.
“Every time I attempt to pass water it hurts”
“Does it burn?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never tried to set fire to it”
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car