GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
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Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6