Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no
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Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
I was up all night reading about insomnia
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
*3.5 thank you very much.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
Forget drugs and sex.
Parents please talk to your kids about their grammar and spelling.
*aggressively waits in line*
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream