[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
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I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.
Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
A fake ID that makes you younger
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
Money is the root of all wealth
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.