Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
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WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.