Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
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I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
– “Did you know a swan can break a full-grown man’s heart?”
– “I think you mean arm?”
– “NO I DON’T!!”
*Runs away sobbing, bread spilling everywhere*
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it