Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
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On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
My teen complained about my cooking, so I stopped fighting it and filled the freezer with frozen dinners instead of making dinner, and after a week of frozen dinners, guess who’s asking me to cook again.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”