How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
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[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
christening a ship with an overripe banana
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
Sticker placement is key.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”