[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
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“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
meanwhile over on facebook
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
DATE: I like someone with a good sense of humor
ME: Ah ok I don’t have that one but I got like touch and smell and so on
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.