Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
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I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
Taking phone security to the next level.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
If someone tells you they don’t like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.