*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
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The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’