abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
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It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
Now I have 2 accounts a friend suggested I retweet myself when I’m bored.
Sounds like my sex life at the moment
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
Who wants to be my Valentine?
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.