George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
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Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
All generalizations are stupid.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Kylo Ren: *high pitched voice* I love you Kylo Ren. You’re the best dark Jedi ever
General Hux: *walks in* Stop playing with Vader’s helmet
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
🤣🤣💀
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.