George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
You Might Also Like
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
911 what’s the emergency?
“How do u unburn pizza?”
U burnt a pizza
“Yes”
I’ll send a squad car
“Ok will they help?”
No ur under arrest
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300