@SeinfeldToday: George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both."
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@longwall26: Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you're murdered your chalk outline won't just be the same old boring shit.
@bluebonetbabies: My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day. I'm 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
@KngHnryVIII: If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn't have put wine in barrels. #inspiration