@RaisingOneBrow: George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
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@Reverend_Scott: "Charlie, I want a divorce." [in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
@KyleMcDowell86: told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she's coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
@JediGigi: Mom asked me what it's like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
@fred_dog: Do you know how many poisonous apples I'd have to give out before I was considered to be the fairest in the land?