@RaisingOneBrow: George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
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@dafloydsta: [movie night] Her: Can I pick tonight? Me: You picked last time and it was horrible Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
@chelliet22: My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look. I'm not sure if I'm flattered or insulted.
@brandonleecool: Muslim: I do not eat bacon. Jew: I do not eat bacon. Me: I will have their bacon.