George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
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Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend