George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
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Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going