Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
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My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question