They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
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suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Another interesting #factupdates post!
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now