Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
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“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being