Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
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Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
(True)
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
going to the ER y’all need anything
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.