@drewtoothpaste: Get a big metal box, label it "TIME CAPSULE" and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
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@rickolantern: They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night In a fight a with a bouncer
@amazymay72x: Weed doesn't give me an attitude when I forget to pay the electric bill... I love you, weed.
@AimByWhiskey: My home security system is a nerf sword by the door. My liquor cabinet has a retina scanner, 3 pit bulls & my 7th grade lesbian gym teacher.
@TheHyyyype: [commandos infiltrating enemy fortress] COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we've got company! COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*