me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
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What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
How to wake up a Beagle
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving