Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
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I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich