@MarieColette: Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can't chase you because they're holding scissors. The perfect crime.
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@ayyyyloser: "And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate." -me as a babysitter
@augustusglooopp: Everyone type it with me: A lot is two words. A lot is two words. A lot is two words. A lot is two words. Good. Tomorrow: Irregardless.
@kelkulus: Fun Christmas Trivia: "Myrrh" is the awkward sound you make when you look at your bank balance on Dec 26th.
@david8hughes: [me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers] And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.