“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
You Might Also Like
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
i will avenge u mr van gogh
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
house sitting!
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.